I went to Anthropologie last night.
I tried on a black and white striped skirt, size 14. I tried an off-white muslin dress, size 12. I also tried on a size large green sweater. The girl who set up my fitting room tossed in a gray and white stripped potato sack of a dress with little red buttons down the back.
There were a few things I wanted to try on, but surpassed my budget by about $60.
I found it hard not to buy hair accessories or candles, necklaces or pot holders, or whatever else that doesn't rest on the curves and bulges of my body.
I tried on the clothes. I've been a size 14 in pants and skirts since the last time I dropped a few pounds a year ago. Up until recently, that same size 14 had always been snug. I've been happy to find some of my old 14's a little baggy, and yes, I've lost some weight.
I've been other sizes in my life, but 14 has been the smallest since middle school. I don't know how many times I've recited, "Marilyn Monroe was a size 14" over and over in my head for the past few years. Last night at Anthropologie, I was surprised to find the skirt was too big to wear.
It sounds stupid now, but when the sales girl asked me through the door if the skirt fit, I said yes. I said I didn't think the print was right for me. I said this as I bunched material together at the small of my back to make it fit. It was confusing. I haven't been trying to lose weight. I haven't for a long time. I just gave up on it a few years ago because i don't think it's good for one's spirit. The only thing that has changed since this time last year and now, is that I've fallen in love.
I slipped the skirt off without unzipping it and hung it back on its hanger. The striped dress wasn't a good cut for me and the sweater was frumpy. The dress fit on my waist, but not on my upper body. It was too big.
If my spirit could take form, sit down with me for coffee and ask questions, I think she would say, "Cindy, why aren't we happy that we're shrinking?"
I would sip my iced espresso, place my glass on the table and ask, "Why don't you ask me what's really bothering you? What is a body for?"
It is weird what love makes you do. It's here and there for me. As of right now, I am trying to better myself physically for my love, but often times it has the opposite affect on me. Most of the time I think, he likes me, so I should too and so I neglect my own insecurities. So this time, more than anything, I am bettering myself for me. It is because I want me to love me so that when he loves me I can accept it fully.
ReplyDeletePlus, everything you picked out is so cute! I have never been to that store.
And, I was going to tell you that night at Flying Star that you looked fantastic, but I didn't want to say it in front of people, because you never know. But since you said it here, you look great. You always do, but you motivated me to work on myself.
cindy that striped skirt..is amazing. ive wanted it since i saw it in the catalog. i havent seen it in the store because going in there isnt fun for me. i love everything in there. even the smell. and i get sad that i cant buy anything haha. but thats neat we like the same things.
ReplyDeletei really like this post. and nicole's right.. you really do look great. sorry i dont tell you more. love you.
I think what the most interesting thing is, that as girls/women, I think we all have the same insecurities in our own ways of course- but still the same. As I have gotten older (basically I mean out of highschool) I have really realized how big my insecurities are, I think its because now its just me, its not me and my group of friends, its not me in the american eagle shirt of the season, its just me. Its hard for me to be true to myself when I feel like myself isn't 'top notch', at times its hard to understand that love can still stand in imperfection. Sometimes I try so hard for perfection that I can't enjoy the right now. I think this is a wonderful blog Cindy and you are doing something really special, and I too go to try on clothes to find that none of them fit just right, sweaters are frumpy, dresses hug in one place and not the other- and I often feel discouraged but reading this reminds me that clothes are clothes its not my bodies fault. Your perfect, your Cindy and your the person you were always supposed to be!
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