rain. damn.

i knew i shouldn't be texting him, but i said i couldn't believe i was spending my first rainy night in my new place without him. (i am learning that i say too much) (right now even, as i type).

that first night we spent together, it was raining and we sat on a blanket by the open sliding glass door, the screen was shut, and we listened to it rain and watched. it was so simple. i asked him before i joined him on the floor. there is a reason cliches are cliches.

and we laid down together. and i rubbed his back until he fell asleep. like a little boy. me, a mother. the one he didn't have.

he was so sad.

and then i went to my bed and slept alone like i always had.

and a few nights later, i would begin to forget what that was like altogether.

and on june 25, 2010, very late at night. i'm eating crackers to soak up the wine in my stomach and i want to cry. wait i just did. i cried. again. i'm so very very sick of crying. the prozac, what does it even do already? it doesn't even work anymore... already. i'm sick of crying in my car, in the bathroom at work, on my couch when king of the hill comes on, at the gym listening to that music. our music. "let me in, can i get a? i know you gonna let me shine and get mine, i'm the king, how you gonna act like that? etc etc etc" but what really gets to me, we all know the words, "i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now. and all the roads we have to walk are winding. and all the lights that lead us there are blinding. there are many things that i would like to say to you, but i don't know how. because maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me. and after all, you're my wonderwall."

our song. a million songs are ours, but this is really our song. two pisces. i'll never do it again.

and i'll cry and go to sleep.

and he will never call.

and one day i'm supposed to be happy that i told him not to last night.