Albuquerque

Albuquerque
Click on photo for Hayley's website (she took the picture)

Sunday, March 28, 2010

The other day, my neighbor came and knocked on the door to see if he could have something from the pile of things I have waiting to be taken to Goodwill outside my door.

He asked if I was moving and we got to talking. Somehow he ended up talking about his life and how he wanted to do something that was worthwhile. He said he planned to join the Marines. He said he wasn't afraid to die.

I never know what to say when people say things like that to me.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

i want my new place to feel a certain way.


i am friends with a lesbian couple at work: sharon and monique. i'm a lot like sharon in many ways and monique gets along with me, so naturally we all get along. sharon is older; she's mentored me quite a bit.

she told me that if i needed to get out of my apartment anytime before i am able to move out, i could stay with them at their place. i was able to resist the offer for about two weeks before i finally texted her asking if i could crash for one night.

i had been to their place before, but never to stay the night--just for dinner or whatever. it's a beautiful home right at the base of the sandias. it's very clean, well-decorated, and well-lighted. it reminds me of the trones' place, but different.

anyway, they said they would leave the key under the mat if justin left (their son, my age, they all three work with me at bravo) because they were working the closing shift that night. so i went a couple hours before they were off work and had the house to myself. it was so good. i just sat in the dark in their giant living room watching law and order with their little dog, cocoa, curled up on my lap. the dog and i both fell asleep before they got home. they showed me to my room upstairs and i slept all the way until 7:30 that morning without waking up once. i even went back to sleep until about 9. it's crazy that the only time i can remember sleeping like this in the past year was once, at the trones' of course.

after waking, i could hear them cooking in the kitchen and smell [turkey] bacon cooking. waking up to the sound of someone already cooking is one of my favorite things. it makes me feel like a little kid. taken care of...

i went down and sat at the table while they cooked. sharon kept me company and slowly, cousins and aunts of monique's came over. even her mom came. we all gossiped and ate breakfast.

i don't know how to explain how fulfilled i was this morning.

part 2:

to be honest, i, like everyone else, have noticed that i look different. i don't like saying it out loud, so i'll cop out and type these admissions instead:

weight is dropping off of me. i haven't been eating right, or at all sometimes. it's not because i have been working for it.

i work too much, but it doesn't bother me. the best way to explain how i have been functioning is "autopilot."

i admit that i am in a selfish place. i should be giving more to others right now.

my face looks tired. i am tired... i figured out. i stopped my consumption of caffeine yesterday. today has definitely been a challenge (as was yesterday) and today, i saw it on my face. i had lost sight of how much stimuli i was putting my body through.

i'm not sure how long i'm going to stop, but i am going to join a gym finally on friday. i don't know how i feel about that.

now i'm going to post a picture of my face as it looks today. i want to see it and be reminded that i don't look my best. this picture is my admission that i'm not doing well, and my promise that i will get it together.



Sunday, March 14, 2010

I'm not sure what I'm getting at, but I wanted to write about this.

For whatever reasons, we remember certain things forever.

There was a Native American lady who worked at the DMV in Carlsbad, who probably still does, who was there when I went in with my mother to get my driver's license at age 16. While I was waiting, she caught me scrubbing my eyes with my hands.
"No, no, honey! Don't rub your eyes like that!" she said. I stopped touching my face and she continued, "Don't ever rub your eyes because you'll have bags like me when you're older." She did have bags--dark, spotty sagging ones. Though, she wasn't ugly. I waited for my mother to respond. She looked on towards the front of the line, but I watched the muscles in her face become tense. I told the Native American lady I wouldn't scrub my eyes.
But I still scrub my eyes. I can't decide if it's because I don't believe my eyes will sag. Maybe I know they will sag anyway and I'm willing to sacrifice some borrowed time for the comfort of scrubbing. Maybe it's because my mother didn't acknowledge her. I don't know why I scrub my eyes, but ever since that day, when I do, I feel a little guilty and I see that woman's face in my mind.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Kusum in Hardwar


Each morning before the sun rises from behind the horizon, Kusum wakes and begins to boil a pot of tea. She sits on the back porch of her flat where she has a priceless view of the Ganges. Every day since she’s been back, she has sat in the same whicker chair drinking tea from the same maroon cup and watching the sun rise to light up the water. Without fail, she spies the same person engaging in his morning routine.

She doesn’t know who he is, but she thought him strange that first morning back in this holy land. She had not slept and stayed in the whicker chair staring into darkness until the first bits of light came from the horizon. She noticed a figure approaching the water’s edge. She watched as the man bent forward and scooped water into his hands. He brought it up over his head and let it fall over his body, his arms stretched up toward the sky. He began his ritual when the farthest edge of sky was still black with tiny stars and he finished when the sun could be fully seen. Kusum was bothered by him at first because she didn’t understand his habit, but each morning as her grief trickles from her eyes, she sips tea and watches him, depending on him to stay the same.



Thursday, March 4, 2010

away again

i am getting a one bedroom apartment. a building away from my best friend brittany. i'm going to be living alone again.

starting all over again.

in april.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

a blurb i wrote in response to hemingway:


Every mid-morning the light is pale in Albuquerque where the same two waitresses begin their opening duties at an Italian restaurant. The Native American one is the beautiful one and the Italian one is told she is sweet all the time. The light is brighter when the hostess arrives and it’s even brighter when the first guests trickle in. By the time the light has reached its brightest, the lobby is littered with people waiting for tables and all the waiters have arrived for their shift.

The beautiful waitress smiles when she rushes past a line-cook. “You’re looking good today, Mama,” he says with his Mexican accent. He is the one all the rest of the cooks go to for translation. Escobar and Luis and Omar and Camilo go to him for translation. “¿Estás enojada conmigo?” they ask when the beautiful one ignores them. Sometime she says she’s busy and that she isn’t mad and they ask the line-cook who speaks English to tell them what she says.

The sweet waitress greets her guests and means it when she asks how they are. When the elderly lady at table 14 asks for hot tea and honey and for her pasta to be cooked longer so it’s softer, the sweet one says, “Of course.” She smiles at the elderly lady and means it when she tells her she likes her purple hat. She tells her that it suits her skin tone. She tells another guest that she likes her blue purse and she means that too. Two of her regulars, the doctor and the doctor’s wife, come and ask to be seated in her section because she is so sweet. She tells the beautiful waitress that her new hairstyle is fresh like Spring and the beautiful one says thanks. The managers and other waiters and cooks all tell her they like her new hairstyle because it’s fresh and reminds them of Spring.

The beautiful waitress gets out of work before the sun sets and she goes home where she still lives with her mother. The sweet waitress works a double-shift and closes the restaurant. She is the only waitress there when the last guest comes into the lobby with a book tucked under his arm. The hostess asks him where he would like to be seated and he says, “I’d like a table that’s clean in a well-lighted place if you have it.” She gives him a seat in the sweet waitress’s section where she really means it when she asks him how his day has been.