i want my new place to feel a certain way.

i am friends with a lesbian couple at work: sharon and monique. i'm a lot like sharon in many ways and monique gets along with me, so naturally we all get along. sharon is older; she's mentored me quite a bit.

she told me that if i needed to get out of my apartment anytime before i am able to move out, i could stay with them at their place. i was able to resist the offer for about two weeks before i finally texted her asking if i could crash for one night.

i had been to their place before, but never to stay the night--just for dinner or whatever. it's a beautiful home right at the base of the sandias. it's very clean, well-decorated, and well-lighted. it reminds me of the trones' place, but different.

anyway, they said they would leave the key under the mat if justin left (their son, my age, they all three work with me at bravo) because they were working the closing shift that night. so i went a couple hours before they were off work and had the house to myself. it was so good. i just sat in the dark in their giant living room watching law and order with their little dog, cocoa, curled up on my lap. the dog and i both fell asleep before they got home. they showed me to my room upstairs and i slept all the way until 7:30 that morning without waking up once. i even went back to sleep until about 9. it's crazy that the only time i can remember sleeping like this in the past year was once, at the trones' of course.

after waking, i could hear them cooking in the kitchen and smell [turkey] bacon cooking. waking up to the sound of someone already cooking is one of my favorite things. it makes me feel like a little kid. taken care of...

i went down and sat at the table while they cooked. sharon kept me company and slowly, cousins and aunts of monique's came over. even her mom came. we all gossiped and ate breakfast.

i don't know how to explain how fulfilled i was this morning.

part 2:

to be honest, i, like everyone else, have noticed that i look different. i don't like saying it out loud, so i'll cop out and type these admissions instead:

weight is dropping off of me. i haven't been eating right, or at all sometimes. it's not because i have been working for it.

i work too much, but it doesn't bother me. the best way to explain how i have been functioning is "autopilot."

i admit that i am in a selfish place. i should be giving more to others right now.

my face looks tired. i am tired... i figured out. i stopped my consumption of caffeine yesterday. today has definitely been a challenge (as was yesterday) and today, i saw it on my face. i had lost sight of how much stimuli i was putting my body through.

i'm not sure how long i'm going to stop, but i am going to join a gym finally on friday. i don't know how i feel about that.

now i'm going to post a picture of my face as it looks today. i want to see it and be reminded that i don't look my best. this picture is my admission that i'm not doing well, and my promise that i will get it together.