I very much like these boots. I know I have some brown boots that come up to my knee, but I really want some that go just above it, like these.

In black even.

i am finding i need to write about more than fashion.

because i've been inside my head so much in the last few days, i've tried to focus on my body and examine how it's reacting to this troubled time i'm having.

the strangest is how my arms burn and burn when i hear him talking to her on the phone or see him wearing something she gave him. my arms. i don't get it. that was the one place where my chakras were actually in good balance when i was evaluated at dahn.

my arms.

burning and then cold.

I'm glad I only have four readers

when i'm at dahn yoga, i think how i can't even tell people about my experience there because it's embarrassing. it's embarrassing because we do the sort of things that everyone judges unless they're doing it... like group circle hugs for five minutes and dancing with our eyes closed. it turns out that the one class i can go to each week is not really yoga at all. it's just totally nuts. but i paid for it, and i while i have no idea why, i do like it.

the thing about it, is that it's always different. you go in having no idea what these little korean women are going to ask you to do, you just know you're going to do it. tonight we learned a "happy dance" that reminded me a lot of something we would have done to warm up for choir in middle school. grapevines and all. but you know, it made me happy. i laughed. i tried really hard to be good at those stupid moves.

tonight, i also began to feel power building in my body. i thought it would burn or be heavy when i finally started to feel it, but it wasn't. it actually made me feel lighter... like i could stop carrying the weight of my own body for a moment. power never gets tired, and it held my body all night tonight.

there was a point where the master asked us to stand in a circle with our eyes closed and touch our pointer fingers to one another's. she instructed us to send messages of strength to each other. we had to hold our arms at shoulder height and bend our knees. at first, it quickly became excruciating. the girl to my right remained steady and i fed off of her. the girl to my left, her finger kept slipping, so i held her hand up with my other fingers. i fed off of her too because i felt i had to be her strength. eventually, my legs were shaking, but i didn't feel pain. when it was over, the master informed us we stayed in that position for 20 minutes. i was floored.

i also bought my first pair of size 12 dress pants today. i bought them for an interview. i got a luxury white button down to replace the one i wore out. also, i got a blue skirt. this blue skirt, paired with the white button-down, black tights and my small black boots will be the first "outfit" i've had in a long time. the problem is that i've nowhere to wear it.

tonight in dahn yoga, master kim asked us to share about what we got out of the class. when it was my turn, i tried to be vague. i said i felt like i gained power and that i was happy because that's what i need most right now. she asked me why and i had to listen to myself tell a room full of strangers (whom i just did the c-walk in the middle of the room for not thirty minutes earlier) "my heart is broken." and there was a silence. they were respectful. then i said, "i need power because i don't want to lose my spirit." master closed her eyes and said something in korean. then she told me i was right to be there.

does anyone know where i should wear my new outfit?

oh yeah. and i got my hair cut.

I love this shade of blue. Robin's egg?

I've decided to just carry my money over until the end of February and make a purchase then. I need some time to clear my head anyway.

In the meantime, as I think of them, I'm going to post about items of clothing I think every woman should have--or something to that effect.

For example, every woman should have a quality white button-down blouse. The one in the picture is the one I have. I've worn it to work many times, which is not a good thing. It was almost $50 at Dilliards when I got it. I had a gift card at the time and was desperate for a work shirt, so I used it all on that. I was mad that it wasn't on sale, but after I got to know the shirt, I realized it was worth every penny.

Not only is it truly wrinkle-free, but its material is soft and flexible, though not like my white button-down from the Gap which has some form of spandex in it (and wrinkles very easily in the wash). When I wore this shirt, I always made good tips. I must have washed it a hundred times and it never lost it's shape or brightness. I recently ruined it with degreasers, trying to get a stain out of it (it ate holes in the fabric).

I plan to save up and get another one day because it's one of the most versatile articles of clothing one can own and fits into any wardrobe no matter what style you claim.

Also, it's a no-fail option to pair with slacks or a skirt for a job interview.

That's all I have on that.

shrink; to draw back, as in retreat or avoidance.

I went to Anthropologie last night.

I tried on a black and white striped skirt, size 14. I tried an off-white muslin dress, size 12. I also tried on a size large green sweater. The girl who set up my fitting room tossed in a gray and white stripped potato sack of a dress with little red buttons down the back.

There were a few things I wanted to try on, but surpassed my budget by about $60.

I found it hard not to buy hair accessories or candles, necklaces or pot holders, or whatever else that doesn't rest on the curves and bulges of my body.

I tried on the clothes. I've been a size 14 in pants and skirts since the last time I dropped a few pounds a year ago. Up until recently, that same size 14 had always been snug. I've been happy to find some of my old 14's a little baggy, and yes, I've lost some weight.

I've been other sizes in my life, but 14 has been the smallest since middle school. I don't know how many times I've recited, "Marilyn Monroe was a size 14" over and over in my head for the past few years. Last night at Anthropologie, I was surprised to find the skirt was too big to wear.

It sounds stupid now, but when the sales girl asked me through the door if the skirt fit, I said yes. I said I didn't think the print was right for me. I said this as I bunched material together at the small of my back to make it fit. It was confusing. I haven't been trying to lose weight. I haven't for a long time. I just gave up on it a few years ago because i don't think it's good for one's spirit. The only thing that has changed since this time last year and now, is that I've fallen in love.

I slipped the skirt off without unzipping it and hung it back on its hanger. The striped dress wasn't a good cut for me and the sweater was frumpy. The dress fit on my waist, but not on my upper body. It was too big.

If my spirit could take form, sit down with me for coffee and ask questions, I think she would say, "Cindy, why aren't we happy that we're shrinking?"

I would sip my iced espresso, place my glass on the table and ask, "Why don't you ask me what's really bothering you? What is a body for?"

My 20's. Limbo.

I am officially and cordially uninvited to the Bible study I was attending.

They decided to become a married couples group.

And I'm not a married couple.

I still haven't found an item of clothing to dress my body with. I'm setting out for Anthropologie tonight. You don't have to be married to look good in clothes.

Though, I'm sure it helps from time to time.

My Feet are My Favorite Body Part.

I was going to start at my feet.

I had $75.

There were these little black calfskin ankle boots.

But they were $110.

Freddy offered to pay the other $35, but I couldn't let him.

I was going to start at my feet.

The Start

i've decided to start this blog because i'm putting a little money away each day to buy myself a piece of really nice clothing at the end of each month.

it's in an attempt to learn to love my body.

also, i hope to write more often than i do. i feel guilty calling myself a writer.